December 13, 2017

Sometimes waking up in the morning can be a soul-draining bitch.  You haven’t even gotten out of bed, and there’s already too much needing your attention.  Sometimes you need to go straight to your coffee machine, and let your mug do your talking before shit hits the fan and everyone suffers for it.

The good news is that you don’t have to spend your day being an asshole in a bad mood.  Studies show that coffee can actually improve your mood and provides many healthful benefits.  So really, you can drink your coffee and be a regular asshole, instead of an asshole in a bad mood.

Not only can drinking coffee help your mood, it can make you smarter (or at least, not as dumb as usual).  Coffee has also been shown to have an effect on mental performance because caffeine gives the central nervous system a mild stimulation.  Drinking coffee is also a full-sensory experience – the smell, the taste, the warmth – all leads to pleasure.

Drinking coffee and tea really isn’t some shitty habit you should be ashamed of. Drinking coffee stimulates the release of dopamine, leading to a pleasant, euphoric feeling – and who doesn’t need that in the morning? Coffee is proven to make us feel good.  Let the warmth wake you up, give you a hug, and introduce you to your day.

Aside from giving your brain warm fuzzies, coffee can give your insides warm fuzzies too – namely, your liver.  Studies have emerged showing the benefit coffee has to protecting the liver against disease.  Along with liver health benefits, coffee consumption is also linked to prevention of Type II Diabetes, Parkinson’s Disease, heart problems, and certain cancers.  This makes coffee greater than kale.  Don’t argue, or spend too much time formulating a counterpoint there – we aren’t hearing it. 

Perhaps one of the reasons we aren’t hearing it is because we’re on the way to the bathroom, and if you drink coffee, you may be on your way also.  That’s right, coffee has another benefit:  helping you take a shit.  It might sound gross, but constipation is far more gross in all honesty, and it’s uncomfortable. Not to worry though, only about 30 percent of the population are affected by that distal colon stimulation so it doesn’t mean you will be going more, it just means you might be one of the lucky ones that is helped along by this benefit. 

Overall, coffee pays us a lot of favors, from mood improvement, mental performance, health perks, and more personal assistance.  The least you can do for this hard-working little bean from heaven is to drink it with joy, and tell those annoying, condescending pricks in your life that bad-mouth your coffee habit to shut the fuck up.  You can either verbally tell them yourself, or you can drink your morning joe from a mug so offensive that they may just choose to stay away altogether, and that’s a choice we can live with too.

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